June 05, 2007
Dear Entire World,
My brain is kind of on fire right now.
I don't know how to explain it any better than that.
I'm somewhere in between feeling very, very sorry for myself and feeling very, very guilty.
When Jonny died, everything changed. This happened to everyone, so I know I'm not alone on that.
Being around my friends made it tolerable, but there was still this idea that dealing with it would be an impossible task.
I made promises to myself (and out loud) that I wouldn't be so far from everyone anymore.
I vowed to be better at showing - proving - that I care because I knew that my last year of partial hibernation couldn't be erased or forgiven in just a couple of weeks.
Even if those weeks felt like months and even if they were as intense and as serious as they were.
I feel like I was out of town - even though I was less than a mile from everything that was important to me at one time. I barely went to people's houses, shows, birthday parties, openings, bbqs, wiffle ball games. Missing hours and hours of sitting on porches with friends while I was probably sitting on my own, etc.
Somehow I earned my way off the list of those to inform - often hearing about everything later - or not at all.
I might have felt like I needed it at the time - and I probably did.
So now, things have settled in. I couldn't have dealt with Jonny leaving us if I had been alone. I'm forever indebted to my friends and will never forget it.
But while things are taking a turn to "back to normal," I've decided I kind of want a new normal.
It would be so easy to go back to accidentally running into the people I love or hoping that they'll come to a show I'm playing so I can have a safe 2-3 hour time slot of catching up before we go back to our own things again.
But I'm really, SO tired of easy. It makes everything else a lot harder.
This is actually pretty embarrassing - me writing this kind of apology to my computer knowing very well that it likely does not apply to the people who will read it.
Perhaps I'm wrong about that, but I still feel like an ass.
Anyway, maybe word will get around and all interested parties will know that when I left them messages, I wasn't just trying to find the name of a movie I couldn't remember, or directions to somewhere, or someone else's phone number.
I'm just trying to help things go back to normal.
The new one.
Self-Consciously Distressed, Liza
I don't know how to explain it any better than that.
I'm somewhere in between feeling very, very sorry for myself and feeling very, very guilty.
When Jonny died, everything changed. This happened to everyone, so I know I'm not alone on that.
Being around my friends made it tolerable, but there was still this idea that dealing with it would be an impossible task.
I made promises to myself (and out loud) that I wouldn't be so far from everyone anymore.
I vowed to be better at showing - proving - that I care because I knew that my last year of partial hibernation couldn't be erased or forgiven in just a couple of weeks.
Even if those weeks felt like months and even if they were as intense and as serious as they were.
I feel like I was out of town - even though I was less than a mile from everything that was important to me at one time. I barely went to people's houses, shows, birthday parties, openings, bbqs, wiffle ball games. Missing hours and hours of sitting on porches with friends while I was probably sitting on my own, etc.
Somehow I earned my way off the list of those to inform - often hearing about everything later - or not at all.
I might have felt like I needed it at the time - and I probably did.
So now, things have settled in. I couldn't have dealt with Jonny leaving us if I had been alone. I'm forever indebted to my friends and will never forget it.
But while things are taking a turn to "back to normal," I've decided I kind of want a new normal.
It would be so easy to go back to accidentally running into the people I love or hoping that they'll come to a show I'm playing so I can have a safe 2-3 hour time slot of catching up before we go back to our own things again.
But I'm really, SO tired of easy. It makes everything else a lot harder.
This is actually pretty embarrassing - me writing this kind of apology to my computer knowing very well that it likely does not apply to the people who will read it.
Perhaps I'm wrong about that, but I still feel like an ass.
Anyway, maybe word will get around and all interested parties will know that when I left them messages, I wasn't just trying to find the name of a movie I couldn't remember, or directions to somewhere, or someone else's phone number.
I'm just trying to help things go back to normal.
The new one.
Self-Consciously Distressed, Liza
Comments:
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hi Liza, i don't know your friends and i don't know your old normal... but i do know the feeling of not wanting to hang out and then eventually not being invited and having my feelings hurt. for me it's something different, being a different person than i once was and my friends being the same. me being half of a couple and my girls being single... me not wanting to party like i used to, me not being ABLE to party like i used to...
it goes on and on, but this is your blog and not mine so i'll stop taking up your space with my narcissism.
just here to say, i feel you even if i don't know you.
but i do know you.
kind of.
big kiss and big hug.
it goes on and on, but this is your blog and not mine so i'll stop taking up your space with my narcissism.
just here to say, i feel you even if i don't know you.
but i do know you.
kind of.
big kiss and big hug.
Liz, you're so sweet.
Here I thought all my whining might have been confusing, but you know exactly what I mean.
I love that.
It feels like a silly thing to have put up for anyone to read, but I think I really just need to be understood - as far as this "missing my people" thing goes.
Thank you.
Here I thought all my whining might have been confusing, but you know exactly what I mean.
I love that.
It feels like a silly thing to have put up for anyone to read, but I think I really just need to be understood - as far as this "missing my people" thing goes.
Thank you.
no, no thank you
it's actually something i've been thinking about a lot lately. a serendipitous posting on your part...
no on to the doggie who ate gas-x...
it's actually something i've been thinking about a lot lately. a serendipitous posting on your part...
no on to the doggie who ate gas-x...
You moong bean. I don't know what things are like between you and your friends, but like Liz I understand what you are saying completely (it's so much easier to make time for virtual relationships, isn't it? So much less likely to exhaust you). I am also sure that your friends, whether they read this blog entry or hear it from you personally, will respond to your wanting to reconnect with joy and pleasure.
Because you're wonderful, and so presumably they are too.
Because you're wonderful, and so presumably they are too.
liza,
i am on totally on your same page. towards the end of me living in richmond i didn't want to hang out, run into people, be involved. i needed my own world or something. so much that i moved away, i have been trying to get the guts to move back for 3 years. . .since jonny's passing, i have been trying to be involved as i can in richmond - as much as can from philadelphia.
i miss everyone so much! it really does make you change your views on things. you really realize what is important and what you need in your life. i need richmond in my life!
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i am on totally on your same page. towards the end of me living in richmond i didn't want to hang out, run into people, be involved. i needed my own world or something. so much that i moved away, i have been trying to get the guts to move back for 3 years. . .since jonny's passing, i have been trying to be involved as i can in richmond - as much as can from philadelphia.
i miss everyone so much! it really does make you change your views on things. you really realize what is important and what you need in your life. i need richmond in my life!
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